Will the Future Blame Us?
by specks05
Summary: At the beginning of 2012, Jackson never thought that so much could change. And yet, it strangely stays the same. One shot. Kind of cannon, kind of not. Mild Spoilers. Please RxR.


_**Author's note: Just a little one shot for your New Year's pleasure. This is completely independent of my other story (which should be updated tomorrow.)  
**_

_**It's pretty short (by my standards at least) and nothing intense.  
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_**I don't own anything.  
**_

* * *

Admittedly, there was nothing glamorous about drinking yourself into a stupor with your best friend on the 29th of December. It was stupid.

But it was also a tradition.

One tradition he missed more than he could ever really express.

A long standing one that had begun at Mercy West, and since those were few and far to come by, Jackson and April had no choice but to carry on the legacy.

It had begun simply enough, like everything. They had to work New Year's Eve as interns, that much was a given when you were dead bottom of the totem pole. And like any normal young adult, such a loss had been deeply felt by them. So it became a ritual. The make up New Year's eve, where Jackson, April, Reed and Charles would sit around, get shitfaced and then plan for the next year.

It was far too soon that Reed and Charles stopped being able to anticipate the future because they didn't have one.

Ever since it had been the two of them against the world.

Sure they'd come to find a place in the Seattle Grace family, but it would always be just the two of them. Until tonight when it was just him.

Sitting on his couch surrounded by silence, his mind couldn't help but go back to the year before. Maybe they'd cursed themselves with the way they talked, he wouldn't put it past them. On its best day Seattle Grace was unlucky, even he could admit that and he wasn't big on anything superstitious.

_"Big year," Jackson muttered drunkenly as he rested his head against the headboard of his bed. This year's festivities took place in his bedroom at Meredith Grey's house. He was thankful that Lexie had been on call. The last thing he needed was to make any confessions to her because of the liquid courage in his system._

_There was something relieving about the time he spent with April. He could always trust that she'd be on his side, which he needed now more than ever._

_"Huge year," April agreed with a nod though she was resting her head against his arm and shoulder. Only about an hour in and she was already leaning on him for support. She was a little further along than he was despite pacing herself much better since she was small of stature. He didn't mind though, he'd always loved drunk April._

_"We transplanted a penis," Jackson noted brightly._

_April cringed in pain. "I suction-"_

_"Stop it, it's not a big deal," Jackson interjected, knowing that it was better to stop her from spiraling before she begun. Once April got started, it was almost impossible to stop her from bottoming out. "I managed to avoid my mom meeting Lexie."_

_"I went to my first lesbian wedding," April added._

_"I found a specialty." That had been a source of pride for him. After his brief panic the year before that he'd reached a dead end, to have something as good as plastics in his life was almost a saving grace._

_"I filled up my entire punch card for that sandwich shop next to my dentist's," April offered, probably feeling in retrospect her year wasn't feeling so big. She took a gulp from her red cup and winced as it burned the back of her throat. At this point, he wasn't sure she knew was drinking some pretty hard stuff, Jackson had just handed her a cup and she'd taken it without question. She always had been too trusting for her own good.  
_

_"This will forever be the year that I dated someone who was in love with someone else," Jackson revealed pensively. He shifted his eyes away from April, hoping that it would relieve the tension that had instantly sprung up._

_April winced uncomfortably. He knew she wasn't crazy about how things had gone down between him and Little Grey. If she were to be completely honest with him, which she never dared to be, everyone had seen Lexie's lingering feelings for Sloan a mile away. He'd probably known it too; she hadn't ever done a particularly good job at concealing them._

_He and Lexie had been a long shot from the beginning. April tried to tiptoe around the subject, something he never would have done for her, but he could tell she was holding back because he was already bitter about the whole situation despite how badly he tried not to be. He was sure that part of her felt a little guilty that she had taken Jackson's side by sheer reflex, but she wouldn't apologize for the things she did in the name of a friend. That was part of her charm.  
_

_Sure she had her secrets, he had his too. But at the end of the day, he could always count on April.  
_

_"Its also the year that you dated a really old dude," Jackson stated deliberately, as if trying to take the emphasis off his temporary bout of honesty._

_April sent him a withering glare which he simply shrugged off. It was the truth.  
_

_"Really what were you thinking?" He asked rhetorically as he took another sip of his cup and weighed the matter in his mind._

_"I thought that we were just really-" April began for what felt like the millionth time but Jackson cut her off._

_"Good friends, I know," Jackson finished for her benefit. She didn't need to justify it to him. April had always been innocent, really Stark had just been taking advantage of that. "He was an idiot for thinking that you'd be more anyway. You're way out of his league."_

_"I'm not out of anyone's league," April guffawed but Jackson sent her a skeptical look._

_"You're hot, just admit it," Jackson replied bluntly. "And he was old, and grumpy, and really funny looking."_

_Sometimes she could be so oblivious, that was his assumption why she was still single at least. Men were probably putting the moves on her all the time but she totally brushed it off. April was very pretty in her own right. Sure, she wasn't the type of girl men picked up in a bar but due to the general 'Girl Next Door' vibe she gave off Jackson assumed that she was the type guys wanted to bring home to their mother. Hell, his mother loved her and she didn't like just anyone. He was fairly certain that really it was only April's insecurity and crazed work hours that were holding her back._

_"I am not hot," April dismissed._

_"I used to check out your ass when we were interns before we we're friends," Jackson admitted as his closing argument. He wasn't particularly proud of it but his brotherly feelings for her withstanding, he could admit that April Kepner had a lot in way of looks. "You've got a nice ass, and pretty impressive boobs come to think of it. Men like that stuff."_

_April blushed. Had he said that to anyone else, he was fairly certain they'd be offended, but because of her natural lack of confidence he was fairly certain that it wouldn't occur April to storm out of his bedroom. At the end of the day she needed some reassurance, regardless of how crude it sounded. "Does it make me a bad feminist if I say 'thank you'?"_

_Jackson shook his head. He hadn't said anything that wasn't true._

_"Thanks Jackman," a satisfied April said with a small punch on his arm._

_He smiled to himself at the use of the nickname. She never really used it unless she under the influence. April wasn't much of a drinker and as such, it was rare that he saw her like this. He wasn't sure what would happen if she ever let herself get even further drunk. She was probably only barely over the legal limit at this point and yet she was still entertaining._

_"Any resolutions?" Jackson inquired._

_"Not to put out for Karev," she teased, causing him to snort a little. He'd made her make that one the year prior after the disastrous near hook-up between the two. It had been a joke but she hadn't taken it well to say the least. "Or to find a way to fight crime."_

_By the strangely serious expression on her face, he could tell that she was actually considering it. Drunk April would always be one of his favorite people to be around._

_"What about you?" She asked finally._

_"I don't think I have one," Jackson admitted. "Pass my boards, maybe."_

_"That's a good one," April replied firmly. "I change my mind, I pick that one."_

_"You can't do that," Jackson argued. "You've already decided to not sleep with Karev."_

_"I probably wouldn't do that anyway," April countered. "I've made it twenty-nine years without doing it to anyone, I doubt that's going to change this year."_

_"You never know," Jackson slurred. "This could be the year for you. Maybe that should be mine, to have more sex."_

_Deep down he knew that he probably wasn't in the position to move on from Lexie so quickly. He had really cared about her and he'd never been the type to use intercourse as a band-aid. But there was something nice about feeling like he had the option._

_"In another year you'll be an attending," April offered contemplatively. When she was drunk, she always waxed a little philosophical. "Maybe you could be like, the emergent Sloan reincarnate. Woo all of the interns with..." she trailed for a moment, trying to find the right phrase. "What does he call it again?"_

_"Huh?" Jackson asked confusedly. "What does he call what?"_

_"You're-" She fought to clarify, but her mind was blank. She'd never been a particularly eloquent drunk. She gestured wildly at him. "You know!"_

_"What?" He snorted._

_"Like, 'Hi, I'm Jackson Avery, please sleep with me because I have really nice abs and fix people's bodies for a living'," April attempted to mimic, her lips were pulled into some cheesy looking pout and her eyes were narrowed in what Jackson assumed was supposed to be smouldering sex eyes but left a lot to be wanting._

_"Oh, my 'Avery Sparkle'," he supplied, his face dawning in understanding. He still hadn't found her impression terribly realistic, but April had never pretended to be a thespian. He would let it go._

_"Exactly!" April cried in triumph. "Anyway, you could seduce them with the Avery Sparkle and then BOOM-" She smacked her hand loudly against the bedside table._

_He waited for her to finish but she never did. He looked at her only to see her face stare at the sky blankly._

_"What?"_

_"I forgot," April whined tiredly as she deftly lowered herself onto her back. "Anyway, you could be the new Sloan."_

_"One Sloan is plenty, trust me," Jackson muttered. "Besides, I'm pretty sure that Karev is going for the title. I don't do interns."_

_April nodded, apparently satiated by the response. "By this time next year, we will be attendings," she announced gravely, "Or the world will have ended and we'll all be dead."_

_"You always say the happiest things to me April Kepner," Jackson teased tiredly. Honestly, he wasn't really in the mood to think of his future vocationally. He didn't have really any intention on staying in Seattle and he assumed April was the same. They hadn't talked about it, but this would probably be their last year together and it did weird things to him._

_She'd probably been the truest friend he'd ever had. He wasn't ready to lose her just yet, but he couldn't hold his best friend back because he needed a comforting face. Soon they'd have to go off on their own, he knew that. He still didn't like it._

_"Its true," April declared emphatically. "But whatever, we got this, you and me."_

_"You and me," Jackson nodded as he gave her a gentle nudge with his shoulder. And honestly, he wouldn't have had it any other way. He didn't want to think of a world where he didn't have April Kepner by his side. "Happy fake New Year."_

_"Happy fake New Year to you too," she wished in response. "I really hope you find what your looking for."_

The irony was enough to kill him. He'd found exactly what he was looking for and she couldn't be bothered to want him back. He couldn't suppress his bitter laugh.

Part of him was angry with her, she'd hidden behind this veneer of innocence for years while he protected her, only to reveal the real her when he was too far indebted to their friendship to do anything about it.

She'd put him in the weirdest position of his life, where he couldn't give her everything he wanted to because April Kepner of all people acted like she didn't want it. She pulled him further and further in but it was like quicksand. He'd never get anywhere with her, he knew that. It had been such a hopeless experience.

He'd made his choices too, of course. He'd decided to end things with April, no one else. No one had forced him to be intimate with Stephanie. He hadn't really thought it through beyond the moment or calculated any of the costs but at the end of the day he made it all the same.

The hardest part was having April hate him for the wrong reasons. She was cutting him out and it was all due to her wounded pride, not him turning his back on one of the truest things he'd ever experienced. He wasn't sure she understood how deeply their time together had changed him, after all, he'd never gotten the chance to tell her.

And he definitely wasn't in the position now, with the glares she'd thrown him at work after the wedding. Though it had only been a few days and she was bound to calm down a little, he hadn't really been brave enough to attempt to make plans with her this year.

Maybe they had just outgrown it really. They were attendings now, gone were the days where they had to work every late night and holiday. Still, he missed that touchstone to the past.

The rest of him however, just missed her.

In the simplest terms he could ever put it, he missed her more than he ever thought possible and there was absolutely no way to fix it.

Even crappier, he was in love with her. He was spending another New Year's lamenting about the girl who had never gotten around to loving him back. He was sure that his mom or another romantic would be able to find something poetic about that, but he was pretty pissed about it.

Sure he could apologize, but all that would do is feed her indignation. Not that he knew where she came off being indignant, she'd practically thrown him at the intern. But that still wouldn't make her feel the same way.

He'd accept whatever blame allotted to him if made everything better, but he wasn't sure it ever could.

He'd put way too much faith in the power of words before.

It was stupid, and maybe a little impulsive, but he'd thought if he'd offer her everything he wanted, maybe she'd realize she'd want it to.

Only she hadn't, and at the point he knew he had to walk away for his own sanity.

There was a soft knock on the door and he went to answer it, hoping despite himself that maybe she changed her mind. As he peeked through to see who stood on the other side, he immediately threw the door open.

He'd hoped she would come, and secretly he thought she would.

By the look on her face, he could tell that she was about ready to bolt. Maybe she'd come to her senses and realized that they'd had something special. Maybe the pull had been just too strong for her too. Either way, she was there and that was enough for him.

"Look," she began carefully, holding up a bottle of Jack Daniels. "This is a tradition but I'm still not talking to you. If you let me in, you are agreeing that we aren't going to talk."

Jackson nodded wordlessly and opened the door for her wide. She walked in and plopped herself nervously on his couch. He went to the kitchen and grabbed two plastic cups, a fixture of this particular made-up holiday, and handed her one silently. She filled it up and began to drink.

She gestured to the seat next to her and he complied instantly. April took the glass from his hand and filled it to the rim before passing it back to him.

"Thanks," he muttered before he could catch himself. She gave a chastising glance to which he lifted his hands in surrender. She shrugged, more to herself than to him and returned to nursing her own whiskey.

He knew their truce was tentative, and probably only temporary, but he couldn't help but smile. She was here. Sure, she was angry, she had still come.

And that was when Jackson made a resolution for himself. The thought of it made him really excited even though he wondered whether it should.

He was going to have a real relationship with April Kepner, even if he had to fight her every step of the way for it.

It was on.


End file.
